for love is strong as death.

Here is a collection of my scattered thoughts collected over the last month. 

Dec 3^rd/2010

This week I worked in the antenatal/postnatal ward. It was definitely a major change of pace compared to the labor ward.  Not as chaotic and I had many more opportunities to learn and to be more relational with the women and their newborn babes. It was strange how differently I looked at the babies in a more serene setting. I actually had the opportunity to love and adore them. The opportunity to give and invest my heart more fully. And while that is always a more painful way to go—I did just that. It took me a few days at the beginning of the week to allow myself to feel and to love… But by the end of the week, I had given my heart away and loved more than one baby with my whole heart. So much so that it hurt. I’m overwhelmed by my capacity to love.

I think it must be the healing of God. I am amazed. Overwhelmed. And extremely grateful for this. I have found so much healing in this place. There is nothing that can soothe a wounded heart or soul the way that a newborn life can. There is this undefiled innocence and purity that a baby possesses which has a way of bringing cleansing. A sense of peace and serenity overcomes me each time I take a small body into my hands. A tremendous amount of hope and joy fills my heart and mind. It is hardly something that I can put into words. To say I’m addicted would be an understatement. But while it may sound beautiful and wonderful and rosy to be delivering babies—that isn’t necessarily the case all of the time. I am faced with unjust situation after unjust situation in that hospital. So much so that it is frequently unbearable to even be there. Mothers and babies die daily simply because of neglect. There is an overwhelming sense of complacency and a devaluing of life that exists in that place. An undermining of the sanctity and value of life. Each day as we drive in to the hospital gates I am hit by a deep sense of loss and hopelessness. It is hard not to let apathy get the best of you. Complacency—the feeling that nothing can or will change about your present circumstances. An acceptance of mediocrity and poverty. An unwillingness to fight or try or give of yourself. I refuse to let all of those feelings sink in to my heart and become my reality. I refuse to listen to the mindset that says “This is just how it is in Africa. Nothing is going to change. Everything and everyone is corrupt.”

I refuse to sit back and not expect anything more. To sit back and not demand better care and attention for women who are needlessly neglected or poorly cared for. Women who have accepted their fate and don’t have the courage or the strength to fight for their right to life or their baby’s right to life.

In their deepest moment of need. In their state of complete and utter vulnerability and exposure---women are neglected. In a hospital setting where they are supposed to receive needed care and attention they are forced to be strong, stable, unfeeling and fully self-reliant. A woman in labor is a lot like a baby. She is weak, afraid, helpless and somewhat dependent on the support of others to get her through the process. But these women don’t have that option. They are neglected up until the very last second. Their desperate cries for help are ignored for hours on end until their tone becomes more frantic and demanding.  And that is when you know you must attend to them. That is when a nurse or doctor will come from the middle section of the two rooms where they have been sitting, chatting, and eating, to assist the mother in her delivery. Up until that point they have not bothered to monitor the mother or the baby. And so. If there are any complications or abnormalities, a life is probably going to be lost. A life that could have been saved if the complication was caught early enough. A baby in the breech position. Placenta praevia. Prolapsed cord. There are two lives on the line in the labor room. Take each one of the women and then double it. That is a huge undertaking and a major responsibility. Not a duty to be taken lightly or played around with. It is one thing for a sick person to receive poor care in a (government) hospital setting, but it is a completely different story when it comes to a pregnant, laboring mother. There are two lives on the line and we must be doing absolutely everything that we can to guard and protect both of those lives because they are both equally as valuable in the sight of God. Regardless of how long one life has lasted. That baby’s life is just as valuable and precious while it is in the womb as it is outside of the womb. Just because it is inside the woman’s body does not in any way make it less of a person or something not worth fighting for.

It seems as though they are quite dependent upon us there. It’s hard not to fall into thinking that they need us or that they wouldn’t’ be able to function without us. they were obviously functioning and getting by before we got there… but once we are there I think they use the opportunity to kick back a bit. In some ways this benefits us as we are given full opportunity to conduct deliveries and do check ups and everything else on the mums and babes.

 I’m beginning to have more of an understanding about why I’m here. I think God has truly been answering my prayers. For the past week or two I’ve gone to bed and woken up crying out to God… asking for renewed passion, hope and persistence to endure circumstances where I feel unprepared, underequipped, misguided and disappointed. And I think that has to have answered my prayers because I’m starting to feel hope and passion again. 

Dec 6th/2010

First day back in the labor ward and it was quite a different experience. It was slower. Not as many women and a more serene, tranquil atmosphere.  That combined with the fact that I sort of knew what to expect and am feeling a renewed sense of hope and belief in what we’re doing.

There are little bits of my heart scattered around Tanzania. My heart has been wholly stolen by more than one tiny newborn life and I don’t even want it back. I didn’t know that it was possible to love a human being that much without really knowing who they are.

I think that this kind of love has got to be the purest form of love. The kind that is talked about in 1 Corinthians. 

 I feel like God has inserted just the tiniest ounce of the love that he feels for us into me. into all of us. when I look at the mothers and babies in the hospital I am overwhelmed by feelings of desperate, passionate love. It is almost unbearable how much I love each baby that I come into contact with. 

Dec 8^th/2010

Absolutely exhausted. My head hurts and I feel so weary. There are probably a number of reasons for this but… in any case. It’s extraordinary how long 3 or 4 hours can seem. It was a good morning though. Labor ward was very quiet when we entered. Only saw a couple of women inside and there were no family members waiting in the courtyard area beyond the walls of the ward. Assisted an 18 year old girl with her first delivery. She did so well and she was one of the only women I’ve seen actually express or show joy when she saw her baby. It was amazing. I felt such a connection with her. Liz conducted the delivery and I got to be there as the support person. She really trusted me and held on to my arm the whole time. Any time I tried to move away she would pull me back. I felt very needed and thankful that she trusted me to defend and guard her in a time of such vulnerability and pain. You should have seen her face when I brought her little boy back to show her. She absolutely lit up. There was so much pride and joy on her face and she could not express her thanks enough. It was such a beautiful moment. She was so strong and amazing. I felt such pride. 

liz with a very proud mama