But I want both.

I’ve grown weary of the process of packing up and moving to a new place and into a new phase. But not weary enough to stop doing it. Not weary enough to stop yearning for the rush and excitement and hope that moving brings. To say that I am a walking contradiction would be an understatement. I think almost every desire that I have is conflicted with an opposite or opposing desire. I want to travel, see the world, live and work cross culturally, not be held back or tied down by anything or anyone. But. I also want the stability and security of being in the same place for more than a year or two, with the same group of friends and a stable community of life-giving relationships. I want to live simply and only buy things that I really need, but at the same time, I like nice things!

I’m packing to move across the country. And this time it’s for good. I’ve spent the last year in transit, in limbo. Going from place to place, culture to culture, and room to room. After all of that was over, I came home, packed up all of my belongings, and moved to a different house. And now after settling in for the last two months I’m doing it all over again. Because I want to. Because I need to. But honestly? I’m a bit of a wreck. The process is exhausting and liberating all at once. I can’t wait to be going to a new place, to start fresh, to really have a new beginning. But there are plenty of things that I’ll miss about my life here. I’ll miss my family. I’ll miss the sunny Ontario weather. I’ll miss weekends at the cottage and watching t.v shows at my cousin’s house. I’ll miss sleepovers with dom, and port credit shenanigans. This move is legit. I come and go quite a bit. But now I’m really moving to a new place and starting all over again. I will build my home in a different province and will settle there for the next few years. I’m terrified. A few years? What does that even look like? What will it feel like? I will literally force myself to stay put year after year instead of running away. I will make lasting relationships with people who will remain a part of my life for more than two consecutive years in a row. I’m ready even though I am afraid. I will be intentional, proactive, and hopeful in the way that I live.

There is a lot on the line when you move to a new place. The allure of being anonymous or largely unknown. The thrill of being a blank page, freed from the limitations or weight of the past. No one knows who I used to be, where I’ve been or what I’ve done… They only see what’s right in front of them, and I get to choose who I want to be. And that’s exciting…